I know already that I am going about my recovery all wrong. Recovery — that’s how I see this terribly long road — as a bizarre addiction to something. What that something is, I cannot decide. The fact that I can’t “name” my problem seems to be the problem itself.
Perhaps I’m addicted to fantasy and non-reality. Perhaps I am addicted to hopes for joy, satisfaction that very few have ever actually known.
I am lucky that I am not addicted to an actual substance such as alcohol, drugs, or even prescribed medicines that doctors want me to take. I am healthy — praise God. But… I feel unlucky that I have nothing I can point to as the problem. The problem is me. It has always been me.
It’s no one’s fault but my own. My own lack of faith, drive, belief, determination — those are all mine to claim, and my own to recover from.
When and How do I overcome this? How do I recover at this point in my life? Again, what is the plan?
Before I can determine my actual plan, here, on this blog — I also need to figure out if I plan on keeping this blog somewhat anonymous. If my story matters to no one, then there is no point promoting it. Why post this? Why is this necessary? Do I need anyone to read this? Do I simply want proof? A written record of what I am trying to do?
Regardless of my anonymity — Do I know my goals?
Yes…but I admit before you read them that they are a bit lofty:
- Finish two scripts in time to reenter into Bluecat ( a month from now…)
- Sell a script this 2012
- Banish credit cards and debt — for good.
- Celebrate my birthday, in shape, wearing a bikini on a beach somewhere, with a matching truly happy smile on my face.
- See that my kids are truly happy, feeling safe and secure, and enjoying this life.
- See myself feeling happy, and feeling safe and secure and enjoying this life.
As I look over this list, I wonder how exactly accomplishing these things will help me recover. (I’ve already lost track — I am recovering from what exactly? Hurt? I am recovering from Hurt and Fear. For now, that will have to be what I call it.) Looking at the list again, the first one and the third one are the only two I can control. So… clearly, my plan starts there.
- Write every day ( That’s been part of my plan forever, but I’ve never managed to keep true to it).
- Market my work ( That, too has been part of my plan but I eff it up by not sticking to the first step.)
- For my kids, act like I believe everything will be okay. Fake it. Don’t reveal my broken heart — because I know it never helps anyway. It doesn’t help anyone. It hurts my children. I must stop hurting my children by spreading the fear around.
- Live within my means — Don’t use plastic. Ride bikes, go on walks, play cards — write stories — poems — board games — don’t use plastic.
Regarding this blog — anonymous or not? Does it matter if anyone reads this? Could this blog do anything for anyone but me? If not, then there is no point to it beyond my recovery. BUT if I do recover from this… Then I have a good story to tell.
Focusing on a good story.