Perhaps using this virtual space as my own personal confessional for a non-Catholic girl such as myself is not such a good idea. Perhaps referring to myself as a girl is offensive to girls and women everywhere, but tough. This girl is going to write what she damn well pleases…
Yet I question why I felt compelled to confess my epic fail as a mother in my previous post. Maybe it was not such a good idea. Just a thought.
I wouldn’t have had this thought, except I sent the link to my blog to a couple of trusted friends and so far… I feel worse about what I did. Not cleansed. Not forgiven. I suppose that is what I was hoping for: Forgiveness.
For what it is worth my daughter forgives me. After the ride we hugged and I told her I was sorry. I explained why I freaked out so badly and told her I was sorry again. I picked her up and held her. I told her I loved her. I told her I was scared. Mom’s do fail. Surely, I cannot be the only one who fails. Perhaps others aren’t so dumb as to post details on a blog and then ASK people to actually read it. Okay — so that makes it a Double Fail. Had I just kept it in and asked God and my kids to forgive me, I suppose I’d be over it by now. But no… I made it personal and dumped my guilt on others. Dummy. I felt ashamed. What I did and said in PUBLIC bothered me and still bothers me. Letting go is not something that comes easily to me. Der…
but then again…
How many things have I done (or anyone has ever done) in private that probably was worse? The fact that such terrible things are done in private and never admitted to, at least in my mind, makes the sins or the failures all the worse.
This past week a country singer, Randy Travis, was found naked, drunk and lying in the middle of the road. He is just one of many stars who do things that humans do. It makes the news because we (their adoring fans), hold them to a higher moral standard. Either that, we simply love to see how the mighty fall, though it is none of our concern. The stories of other people’s lives do not affect (or is it effect — Gawd – when will I get grammar?) our own lives, but they reflect upon our view of ourselves. We watch. We compare. We judge. We mock. We’re better than them… after all. Watching an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (my favorite) does not alter my life, but I enjoy it in relation to my own. Reading my blog or an email from me does not change the reader, does not change or improve his or her life. It only serves as a fun house mirror, representing a portion of the truth — and one that the reader gratefully is not a part of.
For me to expect any less scrutiny, any less judgement is beyond stupid. I will remember that the next time I post one of my epic human failures. Not that I am on par with Randy Travis or any other celebrity, but I must remember — people generally are not kind and very quick to condemn. I’d better remember, too, that I am one of them. Mirrors. We are all mirrors.
But friends, family, acquaintances, strangers and Cats judge ruthlessly.